


Letter to Angels

by babysungwoonie



Category: Wanna One (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-22
Updated: 2018-11-22
Packaged: 2019-08-27 14:19:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16704067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/babysungwoonie/pseuds/babysungwoonie
Summary: Sungwoon thought they were bulletproof. When they fell in love, they thought they could conquer the world. The feelings they shared were mutual and nothing could go wrong. Sungwoon tried to pursue his happiness without knowing that he already broke Daniel and himself in the process.





	Letter to Angels

**Author's Note:**

> I would like to thank someone who gave this prompt. It was such a beautiful prompt that I selfishly picked. I do not know if this story is decent enough to fulfil your expectation. I have tried my best so I do wish you will like this. 
> 
>  
> 
> Prompt #23 ; they want to have kid, but they are unable to.

 

* * *

 

Daniel met Sungwoon for the first time in the second week of February. The early of spring when the flowers started to bloom. It was such an uneventful meeting; a casual grocery shopping with milk and cereals in between. Kang Daniel, an aspiring writer who ended up being an ordinary banker. Five years living in the city of Seoul, Daniel had learned a lot about dreams and reality. Daniel’s dream was becoming a great writer. He wrote a lot in his spare times. But life couldn’t just go on when he only did write. The need of money to pay the expenses. Not everything in Seoul was cheap enough for Busan boy like him. Daniel accepted it the hard way that his dream would never come true. Though deep down, he always hoped there would be someone who would read his writing someday. And maybe;  _just maybe_  Daniel had met him—the one whom he would cherish in the future— today; in the midst of choosing one of his favourite cereal.

 

Ha Sungwoon, a young kindergarten teacher. He has been living more than half of his life in Seoul. Being the downtown boy, he was kind of used to the busy life here. Working from Monday to Friday. Spending weekdays by taking care of bunch of cute kids; and spending weekend with the family and friends—Sungwoon felt his life was going smooth and ordinary. Everyday was well spent. Sungwoon lived in one of the largest apartment building in town. The perks of having steady income every month. He successfully made his own good living. Even though Sungwoon was coming from wealthy family, he stopped depending on them since he graduated from university. Everything was right on the track until he met Kang Daniel. When the spring breeze passed, Sungwoon realized that he must have just fallen in love.

 

***

 

It didn’t need much time for Sungwoon and Daniel to get close. They got along pretty well. They might have different hobbies and taste in everything. But, somehow it felt like they completed each other. Daniel; a nice guy with bright smile—such a sweetheart, though he was like a little kid sometimes; Daniel was a responsible and hard working man. On the other hand, Sungwoon was a smart and witty guy. He had capability of making people around him comfortable. Sungwoon had this warm aura that kept making people got attached to him. Both had their own colours and when they were together it formed a beautiful rainbow.

 

Daniel confessed his love in Autumn; after nine months of knowing Sungwoon. Under the lamppost in front of Sungwoon’s apartment; with one single rose, Daniel poured out his feelings. It was nerve-wrecking yet silly to watch. Sungwoon chuckled looking at how stuttered Daniel was. He had to save Daniel from further embarrassment so that was why he was the one who kissed Daniel first. When the leaves were starting to fall, their hearts were blooming instead

 

Their relationship had ups and downs. They argued a lot over small things but later they would make up much more. There were times when they would just ignore each other because of their ego. But, also they would just kiss lazily throughout the whole day. They came to learn that life was indeed full of ups and downs. And that was what made them stronger and happier.

Having relationship for over two years was enough for Daniel to get down on his knees; taking Sungwoon’s hand in his and asking him to spend the rest of their life together. It was  _cliche_  but Sungwoon liked it anyway. Daniel's smile broadened when Sungwoon said triple _yes_.

 

***

 

When they fell in love, they thought they could conquer the world. The feelings they shared were mutual and nothing could go wrong. But then they faced the real obstacles coming from their own families. Sungwoon’s father was beyond angry. He did let Sungwoon at first because he thought it was just a phase; something that could be passed off as time went by. He never thought Sungwoon would be brave enough to bring a man home and break the news of their upcoming marriage. The whole family was upset. Sungwoon had a good career; promising future. They blamed Daniel for ruining Sungwoon’s life. It hurted so damn much how the family —Sungwoon always had loved and rely on—had to turn their back on him. Sungwoon thought people would understand and accept him for whoever he was. But he was wrong.

 

They were in Busan. The air was thick and salty. It was so different from Seoul but Sungwoon could breath easier here. They planned to meet Daniel’s mother. It’s been years since Daniel’s parent’s divorce. His father moved to Canada and Daniel never heard about him ever again. Daniel’s house was warm and comfy. It smell nice and homey. There were four cats he currently adopted. So cute and it amazed Sungwoon how fast they grew attached to him. Daniel’s mother was silent when they broke the news. The atmosphere was slightly different than before. Sungwoon noticed that this was not according to plan.

Later that night, Daniel’s mother asked Sungwoon to reconsider everything because Daniel was her only child and she couldn’t just let it be. To say that his heart was broken, it was true. Never thought that falling in love would be such a crime like this so everyone was opposing against it.

 

 ***

 

Daniel was 27 and Sungwoon was 29. They were reckless yet so in love. Daniel took Sungwoon to Gwangju. On one of those winter days, Daniel married Sungwoon in a small chapel. Nothing fancy; only them and some closest friends. Sungwoon was more than happy when he knew Soonyeol was there; smiling at him from afar. The wedding was official but it was also illegal. They could be husband and husband but they were also strangers in society. No legal status for their relationship. Sungwoon said it was okay as long as they could live happily ever after together. And Daniel would follow because Sungwoon was the center of his life that Daniel liked to orbit around.

 

Daniel once said that he would take Sungwoon to the moon; living among stars. It was so cheesy that Sungwoon couldn’t help but laugh. In all honesty, Daniel didn’t have to take him to the faraway places because Sungwoon would go wherever Daniel was. Even if it was just some deserted island or a grand beautiful palace. It didn’t matter. Anywhere, everywhere; as long as they were together.

 

***

 

It was not that Sungwoon was not a social type of guy. The thing about Daniel’s circle of friends was they were hardly approachable. Maybe it was because they came from different kind of social network. Though actually it would never be a problem for Sungwoon before. But, Daniel’s friends were different. Sungwoon did try to fit in and mingle here and there. The scrutinizing gazes and low whispers were always there. Sungwoon was not too stupid to understand that they disliked him. It was true that society was not ready to accept him; their relationship to be precise. Sungwoon remembered how hard it was for them to open up a bit about their marriage to people; even to their own friends, it was something that still called as _taboo_. Daniel was lucky enough to keep his job though he still got a constant judging looks from other employees. Unlike Sungwoon, he had to give up on his job because it couldn’t be helped; having a gay teacher would give a bad reputation for school itself. It was indeed hard for both of them and with the people that still gave them weird look, it felt like never ending loop.

 

For the nth times, Sungwoon had already said no; but Daniel would not understand. Because it was Jaehwan—one of the nicest Daniel’s friend, Sungwoon admitted– so Daniel was rather persistent to ask Sungwoon to come. Jaehwan was one of the closest friend and he was having a baby shower this Sunday. Daniel didn’t want to miss it. In all honesty, Sungwoon wanted to come as well, Jaehwan was probably the only one that welcomed Sungwoon as a Daniel’s partner and Sungwoon was always grateful for that. The thing was he was not ready to meet Daniel’s other colleagues.

 

“It’s alright. You just have to stick with me. You said you wanted to see the baby, right?” Daniel was pouting and Sungwoon hated that. He hated how he was this weak every time Daniel showed his cuteness. Sungwoon brushed Daniel’s mop of hair slightly then pinched his cheek. The taller man yelped and whined like a kid. Seconds after that, Daniel wrapped his arms around Sungwoon’s waist to pull him up; giving him a koala hug. Sungwoon laughed loudly when Daniel left butterfly kisses on his neck because it tickled. Everything would be alright, Sungwoon believed that.

 

 

It was a baby girl; Kim Yoora—such a beautiful name. The cheeks were plump and pink coloured. Cute little nose and big doe eyes. Heart shaped lips and tiny fingers. Sungwoon was mesmerized. A small living thing that being the center of attention. Everyone was cooing at the baby. She was sound asleep; peacefully without even cared of the surrounding. Jaehwan looked so happy. It radiated from his eyes. It must have been such an overwhelming feeling to hold a bundle of joy. Jaehwan must have been proud to be a father. The smile never faltered from his face. He looked at his daughter like she was his world. Sungwoon could feel his emotions. Then there was Daniel with his eyes full of hearts. Daniel’s smile widened when Jaehwan asked him to hold Yoora instead. It looked awkward but he managed to hold her in his arms. Sungwoon could see how Daniel’s eyes were sparkling as if he would cry in any seconds. Yoora was not even his child but Daniel looked so in love it made Sungwoon’s heart swollen. Then it hit him hard. Never once Daniel ever mentioned about wanting to have a baby on his own but Sungwoon always knew Daniel’s adoration towards kids. Though he never spoke about it out loud; Sungwoon was feeling the same. Having to deal with kids on daily basis, it was no wonder that sometimes he had the urge to dare himself to think about having them on his own. The desire to raise them with his own hand; to hold them dearly—and to call them as their own children. All of those thoughts were kept hidden inside, both of them never tried to reach that topic because maybe they were not ready yet. But now, when Sungwoon looked at directly how Daniel could be so sickeningly happy over someone’s child; imagined how he would be if it was his own child. Sungwoon felt dizzy and he wanted to puke.

 

 

The splash of cold water fortunately could calm him down a bit. His reflection on the bathroom’s mirror was worse than he expected it. A heavy sigh escaped from his lips. Sungwoon needed to think clearly. He reminded himself that what he was thinking just now was only an effect of his impulsive thought. This matter was not something light and easy to deal with. And he didn’t have intention to talk about it with Daniel anytime soon. He believed this thought would fade away once he kept busy jumbling with work. Sungwoon decided to go back to the living room where he left Daniel. He wouldn’t let himself dwell on this too much. Daniel was already looking so worried when Sungwoon made an abrupt escape just now.

 

Just when Sungwoon walked pass through the kitchen, the loud whisper was successfully picking up his attention. He didn’t mean to eavesdrop or anything but the conversation was loud enough for him to hear anyway.

 

_“Kang Daniel? Seriously?”_

_“Yeah, almost three years or so. The man in white sweater, that’s his husband.”_

_“The fuck?! He’s gay?”_

_“Too bad. He’s older than Daniel anyway.”_

_“Wow. I feel butthurt.”_

_“Who doesn’t? Daniel could get anyone, so many nice girls here.”_

_“What was he thinking by marrying an old man? Jeez, poor him.”_

_“As if a man can give him a child. What a waste of life.”_

 

True that people’s mouths were sharper than the knives. The words were piercing through his heart without mercy. It didn’t bleed but didn’t mean it was less hurting. Sungwoon felt suffocated; it was hard to breath. How could people being so mean? They didn’t know Sungwoon in person but they talked like he was the worst man they’ve ever known. Sungwoon could still hear their evil laugh when he decided to sprint towards where Daniel was. He needed to get out of here. He didn’t belong here.

 

The journey back home was full of silence. Daniel knew something was off but Sungwoon seemed reluctant to talk about it; so Daniel opted to let Sungwoon cool off first. Even with both eyes closed, Sungwoon could still hear those voices. He wanted to block everything but he couldn’t. Daniel noticed how Sungwoon put his palms over his ears. He wondered what kind of things that was  bothering Sungwoon right now. A soft and gentle caress on his head made Sungwoon believe that those voices were not real.

 

 

Sungwoon laid on his bed; watching Daniel emerged from the bathroom. With a white towel around his waist, Daniel was too busy rummaged the wardrobe and didn’t notice how Sungwoon stared at him without blinking.

 

“Yoora is so pretty.” A soft whisper escaped from Sungwoon’s lips.

 

He could see how a small smile started to form on Daniel’s face. “Yeah, she is. So tiny and precious.”

 

“Jaehwan is so lucky. Yoora will grow up beautifully. She will be the prettiest girl in the world.  _Ah_ , really, so lucky.” Daniel chuckled; his face was glowing just by talking about Jaehwan’s baby. It was seldom for Sungwoon to see this side of Daniel. Maybe it was because Daniel was the only child in the family so it was close to none seeing Daniel’s adoration towards kids.

 

_‘and you are not lucky enough..’_

 

The thought was hanging on Sungwoon’s head. The conversation he heard earlier was coming back; attacking his sanity. Sungwoon perfectly knew if he let those words sank into his heart more than it should have been, then he would crumble little by little. And Daniel was not aware of it. He kept on going; rambling about Yoora and forgetting the fact that this was the first time for him to speak so loud about something that nor himself or Sungwoon ever mentioned before.

 

Sungwoon wanted to scream. He wanted to put a stop on Daniel’s train of words and reminded him that  _yes they are so unlucky for not having a baby because they are both men and that was the fact_. But of course, Sungwoon couldn’t do that when Daniel looked so happy right now. His eyes were sparkling; he laughed so beautifully and made his eyes formed a crescent moon. Daniel was so happy even just by the thought of other’s happiness. It made Sungwoon’s heart ached because he might be one of the reasons to keep Daniel from getting that kind of happiness for real.

 

 

***

 

From Monday to Friday Sungwoon would spend his time in day care. He already took this job for almost six months. Sungwoon was quite contented with this. Instead of spending and doing nothing at home, this was more than enough. After getting married, Sungwoon lost his job. Daniel asked Sungwoon to stay at home and let Daniel to take care of money earning. But of course, Sungwoon couldn’t accept that. Though, with Daniel’s income their daily needs were pretty much fulfilled. Sungwoon was a man of honour. He couldn’t let Daniel to struggle alone and keep this household run well. This marriage was involved two parties so it was expected that both of them would work this out together, and shared everything together.

 

At first, Sungwoon was applied to many pre-schools but none of them accepted him. It was always about his marriage status. Daniel once proposed to him to keep it a secret for Sungwoon’s sake but Sungwoon declined. What was the purpose of getting married if people wouldn’t know about it. Sungwoon didn’t leave his family and choose Daniel instead just for nothing. That was why Sungwoon kept his status and tried to look for a decent job that could fully accepted him. The first job that he successfully got was as cashier in on of the convenient store. It was easy job but it required him to do shifts hour. He had to stay awake at 1 a.m just to deal with some drunker customers with their loud mouths and heavy beers. Daniel was worried for the safety and health of his husband. He didn’t like it when Sungwoon had to come back home at 6 in the morning after his night shift, looking all exhausted. It was only for three months and Sungwoon decided to look for another job.

 

The second one he got was a job as waiter in one of luxury restaurant in town. It was a nice job, Sungwoon actually enjoyed it. The people were nice and good thing was they were not so judgemental over his relationship status. He made good friends with many people. Though it was a tiring job; he needed to stand and back and forth for serving the customers, it was a really huge nice restaurant that was always packed almost everyday. Sungwoon was pretty much contented with it. The income was not bad either. Everything went on smoothly until one day he accidently met up with his family. To be honest, the relationship between Sungwoon and his family after he got married with Daniel was rather on a cold war. His father was too disappointed so he started to stop talking to his son. His mom was conflicted. Sungwoon knew that his mom would always support his decisions but she also couldn’t exactly take side on him because of his father. Sungwoon’s sister, Soonyeol, was caught in the middle. Soonyeol was nice enough to come in Sungwoon’s weeding despite the silent treatment he got from his entire family.

 

The incident was unintended, of course. Sungwoon never thought he would meet with his big family on that one of summer day. It was just slipped out of his mind, his uncle’s 70th birthday. It wasn’t like he was invited anyway. But, he didn’t expect the whole family would reserve half of the place. In front of everyone, his father said with that angry tone how Sungwoon had humiliated him to no end; how disappointed he was, not only because he married a man but also worked as some lowly waiter. The tray that Sungwoon held almost fell. Both his hands were shaking and it needed thrice of his power to keep him from breaking down. With all of those scrutinizing stares and loud whispers, Sungwoon didn’t have the gut to hold his head up. It felt like the whole world went against him. What hurt the most, it was his own family that sent a dagger through his heart.

 

It took him a week later to come to a conclusion that he resigned from the job. For almost a week, he tried to sort out his thoughts. He talked to Daniel about what happened with his father. He could see how hurtful Daniel’s eyes were. How apologetic Daniel when it came to Sungwoon’s family. Daniel always blamed himself for being too selfish; for asking Sungwoon to marry him which led to drift away from his family. And it would always make Sungwoon’s heart hurt everytime he saw Daniel being vulnerable like this. Daniel kept saying sorry; repeating it like some kind of mantra. And with every apology Daniel said, Sungwoon would hate himself more because he failed to be a good husband. Their marriage life was difficult from the very start but they believed that they could get through it if they would always be there beside each other. Sungwoon brushed Daniel’s tousled hair gently; kissing his forehead softly while whispering sweet talk. “Everything is gonna be alright.”

 

 

***

 

The soft lullaby was sounded through that room. Toys and colored papers were scattered around. Five cute toddlers were having a nap. One of them was on Sungwoon’s lap. Hyesung, the most clingy one; Sungwoon caressed the toddler’s smooth hair gently. A sweet lullaby kept escaping from his lips; lulling them to a deep slumber. Sungwoon smiled upon seeing those angelic faces. He spent his days by taking care of these beautiful souls. Sungwoon really loved his job. Every cute little things they did always made his heart bloomed. Dealing with toddlers was not easy but with Sungwoon’s good nature, it didn’t took a lot of time for those children to get along well with him.

 

The creak sound of the door being opened made Sungwoon turned his attention. Nayeon, one of his co-worker, signalled him to grab a food since it was already ten minutes past the break time. Sungwoon managed to detach himself from Hyesung. He moved slowly and put Hyesung’s head down from his lap onto a small pillow. With one last brush over Hyesung’s soft black hair, Sungwoon stood up and made a way through the door.

 

Nayeon gave him a question look when she noticed Sungwoon only had salad and one box of vanilla milk on his plate.

 

“What in the world Kang Sungwoon lost his appetite.” She teased him because she knew how much Sungwoon loved food.

 

Sungwoon could only smile and took his not so appetizing salad in front of him. It was true that he was not really in the mood to eat. “I just miss my husband.”

 

Nayeon pouted and complained. “You met him every day how can you always miss him anyway.” The happy and single Nayeon felt insulted because Sungwoon really liked to show off how romantic he was with his husband. Sungwoon giggled. It was always fun to tease his friend. But it was true, Sungwoon kind of missed Daniel. For the past few days, Daniel had been so busy with his new current project. He always came back home late. And it felt like they didn’t talk properly at home. When Daniel came home, both of them were already too tired to start a conversation. It was doing Sungwoon’s head in. In addition, the incident at Jaehwan’s house kept repeating on his mind. It wasn’t his intention to think about it but it just came back without him asking.

 

 

Today was no different than yesterday. Sungwoon already prepared dinner. When the clock struck eleven and the foods were already cold, Sungwoon could heard the door of their apartment opened. Daniel was home. He looked undeniably tired. The suit and tie had worn out. His hair was pretty messy. He walked through the kitchen and approached Sungwoon. Kissing the top of Sungwoon’s hair then headed to the fridge to take a cold water.

 

“You didn’t read my message.”

 

Sungwoon tried to suppress his anger. It wasn’t the first for these past few days. Daniel would ignore his messages and come home late. Even he didn’t take his dinner at home.

 

After done gulping the last drop of the cold water, Daniel heaved a sigh. “I forgot to charge my phone.”

 

Sungwoon snorted. Of course, Daniel forgot about it when he was busy drinking with his colleagues. Sungwoon could still smell the alcohol from him. He didn’t understand why Daniel had to lie. He could just tell Sungwoon the truth and maybe Sungwoon wouldn’t mind about it. If Daniel had problem with his project or any work related, he could just tell Sungwoon though. They didn’t marry just to live together without even try to lessen each other burden and pain.

 

With one swift movement, Sungwoon decided to leave Daniel alone. He was tired enough with his own work and tired waiting for Daniel. He wasn’t in the mood to have argument with his husband right now. Daniel looked at Sungwoon’s retreating back and bit his lower lip. Ruffling his hair, Daniel felt the dizziness started to comeback. He needed an aspirin and a long sleep. He would try to talk to Sungwoon tomorrow.

 

***

 

It was already ten past six in the evening. The day care has been closed an hour ago. But here Sungwoon was, sitting in the cafe under his workplace. Hyesung was asleep peacefully in one of the couches while his mother was caressing his head softly. A small smile crept up Sungwoon’s lips; looking at the mother and son’s interaction made his heart fluttered. This was not the first time he met with Hyesung’s mother but this was definitely the first time he spent a time by actually having a conversation with the woman. Hyesung’s mother was currently waiting for his husband to pick them up and Sungwoon didn’t have the heart to leave them alone. The woman in front of him now was pregnant. So, Sungwoon made time to accompany them right now.

 

“I’m sorry, Sungwoon- _ssi_. I’m taking your time.”

 

Sungwoon smiled and shaked his head. “It’s okay, Hyeri- _ssi_. I don’t have any plan today.”

 

The woman named Hyeri chuckled. Her husband was pretty late today; saying that there was a sudden meeting at the office. Hyeri’s husband was a government officer. He worked fifteen minutes drive from here. He always picked them up every day. Hyeri herself worked at boutique couple blocks from the daycare. Since the two of them had to work everyday so they had no choice to put Hyesung in a daycare. With Hyeri being pregnant now, it must have been quite hard for her to handle.

 

It was only an hour but Hyeri had told Sungwoon many things. Hyeri was so talk active and Sungwoon liked to hear her stories anyway. She just married for five years and a half with a three years old Hyesung and one she’s carrying now. She told him about her five months pregnancy and how she was so excited about it because the baby was probably a girl. Then it would be complete. She already prepared a small room for her upcoming baby; with princess theme—Sungwoon chuckled at that. It was really nice hearing this kind of story from young parents. The happiness was clearly visible on Hyeri’s beautiful face. She told about the baby excitedly while occasionally rubbing her protruding stomach.

 

“But Sungwoon- _ssi_ , do you have any child already?”

 

It needed almost ten seconds for Sungwoon to answer. “No. I haven’t.” He tried to dismiss the stinging feeling he felt inside.

 

Hyeri cleared her throat; sensing that she might already cross the boundary. “ _Ah_ , I’m sorry If you don’t want to talk about it.” She gave an apologetic smile. “It’s just— I notice your wedding band, so I’m curious about it.”

 

“No need to be sorry. It’s true that I’m already married. But—”

 

Sungwoon stopped midway. This was the first time he actually talked about it with a stranger if he could say. It would be rude if he didn’t give a proper answer.

 

“—but we haven’t really talk about having a baby.”

 

Hyeri understood. Though there was another curiosity; another question she already had on the tip of her tongue. But she held herself back. She once again showed her sweet smile.

 

The front door was opened abruptly; showing a leaned man in his winter coat. He bowed a little to the whole cafe for his sudden appearance. Sungwoon knew the man. Hyeri startled when the man touched her shoulder.

 

“Oh, honey! You’re here.”

 

Sungwoon bowed to the man; giving a proper greeting. A cute smile adorned the man’s face. His eyes were crinkled; white teeth were showing. Sungwoon felt warm looking at his soft figure.

 

“Thank you so much for accompanying my wife. I’m sorry for troubling you, Mister—”

 

“It’s Kang, Kang Sungwoon.”

 

“Thank you, Kang Sungwoon- _ssi_.”

 

Sungwoon learned later that Hyeri’s husband; Yoon Jisung, was really a nice man. Full of humor and the typical home guy. It amazed Sungwoon how easy it was to keep a conversation going with the couple.

 

Hyesung whined when Jisung tried to pick him. The toddler was woken up from his sleep; rubbing his eyes with his little hand. Jisung chuckled and continued to pull Hyesung’s body into his arms. Hyeri caressed her son’s fluffy hair then kissed his forehead once. The couple left Sungwoon with a deep impression. Sungwoon looked at them leaving the cafe with smile across their faces. To be honest, there was a slight envious feeling. They looked so lovely and happy—and  _complete_. Sungwoon could feel the tugging feeling inside. He shouldn’t feel that way but it couldn’t be helped.

 

***

 

In no time, Sungwoon made new friends and got close with the couple. It was nice to actually have someone to talk to. Hyesung was probably one of the reasons for them to keep in touch. It surprised Sungwoon as well that Hyesung grew attached to him. Sometimes in one of those days, Hyesung would throw a tantrum and cry endlessly. And Sungwoon would be the one who could calm him down. He would take Hyesung into his arm; rocking him back and forth while rubbing his small back. It was such a nice feeling for Sungwoon to be this close with the toddler. Sungwoon had been dealing with children for a quite some time but it was the first time for him to take care of toddlers for these past six months.

 

Hyeri said that Hyesung was a shy boy and it was kind of hard for him to get along with new people. But she was happy and rather surprised knowing that Hyesung was pretty close with Sungwoon. It made her relieved to keep trusting Sungwoon for taking care of her son.

 

The more they talked; the conversation was broadened. Sungwoon started to learn the story behind their marriage life. Jisung and his wife were so opened about it.

 

“So, why don’t we have double date? Next week, maybe?”

 

Jisung suggested the idea. Saying that it must have been a good idea to know each other more since he felt that they were already friends. Hyeri nodded enthusiastically. She wanted to meet Sungwoon’s partner so bad. “Your wife must be so pretty.” Hyeri said in cherry tone.

 

Sungwoon pondered a little. He didn’t know where to start. Most of the time he always avoided this kind of topic because he realized that not everyone would understand; let alone supporting him. It was kind of habit for him to stay low and keep his marriage under the radar. But maybe because he could feel the kindness and sweetness from this couple that was why he needed to speak about it. It wouldn’t be fair for them if Sungwoon kept lying anyway.

 

“It’s—”

 

“It’s a husband. I have a husband.”

 

The silence was palpable. The couple looked stunned. Sungwoon should have known better to not get his hope high. It was not easy to find people who could actually understand anyway.

 

“ _Ah_ , I see. I’m sorry if it makes you uncomfortable.” Jisung broke the silence. Trying to forming words carefully. “Sungwoon- _ssi_ , it’s alright. We all have our own preference. It doesn’t matter.” Hyeri must have noticed how stiff Sungwoon was.

 

“The double date is on the agenda, though.” Jisung added. Sungwoon breathed in relief. The couple looked unbothered by the fact that Sungwoon was gay. He felt grateful that he met with good people who didn’t judge him or call him with bad names.

 

 

***

 

Sitting alone in the kitchen, Sungwoon’s mind kept wandering. Thinking about how lonely and empty this house felt. In three years of marriage, this most likely was the first time for Sungwoon to feel this way. Since the incident at Jaehwan’s house until his encounter with Jisung’s family, Sungwoon kept thinking how incomplete his life was. Everyday he would come home to an empty house; the hollowness started to eat him alive. Even he felt happy to share a life with Daniel; that would be a lie if he didn’t want more. Sungwoon started to think that their life seemed so dull. Sometimes love only couldn’t make everything became beautiful.

 

Sungwoon thought how nice it would be to hear a faint cry of a baby inside the house. How endearing it would be to greet Daniel home after a whole day spent with their child. How happy it would be to see dolls and toys scattered around their living room. How perfect it would be to have a baby on their own. Sungwoon’s lips were pulled upward; smilling over his wild thoughts.

 

This thoughts has already been bugging his mind lately. It felt like it could burst any moment. Sungwoon really wanted to talk about it with Daniel but his husband had been quite distant for these past few days. Deep down, Sungwoon knew Daniel was just tired with his work. But still, Sungwoon being the demanding one couldn’t help to not think negatively. There was always thoughts about the possibility of Daniel got tired of him. The possibility that Daniel would leave him for someone else; someone who could make Daniel happier. Just by thinking of it, it already made Sungwoon’s heart broken.

 

Daniel went home when Sungwoon was busy warming up the soup; Daniel’s favorite mushroom soup. Two big arms looped around Sungwoon’s waist. Daniel kissed Sungwoon’s temple softly. He tightened his hug from behind. Whispering, “I’m home. And I miss you.” Sungwoon couldn’t help but smiled. Even after all this times, Daniel still could make his heart beat erratically like this. The hug felt different. It was full of longing feeling. It felt like they had been separated for a long time. The warmth of Daniel’s hug spreaded through his heart. At time like this, Sungwoon realized that he would never found any other person better than Daniel because only Daniel could make him feel so much loved. Though sometimes they had arguments and stayed away from each other; it was all the process of marriage. In happiness and sadness; until death did them apart, the vow they said to each other back then—Sungwoon would always hold on to that.

 

 

Later that night, when they made love passionately; Sungwoon spoke about it for the first time. Between the slow paced of Daniel’s thrusts and gentle touch. “I want to have a baby.” Sungwoon whispered softly. Hooded eyes and heart beat fast. Daniel looked into Sungwoon’s crystal orbs. Brushing Sungwoon’s bangs from his damp forehead. Daniel kissed Sungwoon’s redden lips; it made Sungwoon forgot for a little while. Sungwoon moaned into Daniel’s left ear when he hit Sungwoon’s spot for countless time tonight. He started to lose his focus when Daniel kept touching him on the right places. Sungwoon opened his eyes and reached out to hold Daniel’s arm. He needed to repeat the words again so Daniel would actually understand. “I’m serious, Daniel. I want to have a baby. Let’s have a baby.” He gripped Daniel’s arm tightly. Locking eyes with his husband’s. Daniel stopped for a moment. Trying to manage his raging heartbeats.

 

“But, how?”

 

Sungwoon wanted to laugh at Daniel’s ridiculousness. Daniel looked so clueless and it made Sungwoon wondered that this was _really_ the husband he had been marrying. Sungwoon caressed Daniel’s cheek softly.

 

“Let’s adopt a baby.”

 

To be honest, Daniel never thought about having a baby. Spending his whole life with Sungwoon was already more than enough. Daniel never thought that far because the path they have chosen was not easy from the start. Their marriage was not legal yet; they haven’t got an official papers from the government to acknowlegde their status. And now adopting a baby; that would be another stressful matter which wasn’t easy either to go through. But when Daniel looked again at Sungwoon who was being so exposed underneath him right now; with those sparkling orbs and beautiful smile, Daniel was helpless. Even if Sungwoon was asking him to pick out the star for him, Daniel would gladly follow. Daniel who was so much in love with Sungwoon; he couldn’t say no to his husband.

 

“Are you sure?”

 

Sungwoon nodded and smiled sweetly; the smile that always made Daniel fell back into Sungwoon’s gravity. Daniel said, “Okay.” because he got to see the happiness was clearly visible on Sungwoon’s face and that was enough for him.

 

***

 

Maybe that was too early but Sungwoon couldn’t help himself to feel giddy. He was currently standing in between aisles; in kids section. Two pieces of baby clothes on his hands. He smiled childishly looking at those cute clothes. It has been two hours he was spending his time here; buying baby’s clothes and other stuffs. Sungwoon was in the mood to do some baby shopping. He already had two bags of baby’s clothes, some dolls, and cute socks.

 

It was too early he realiazed that. Sungwoon and Daniel had agreed to visit some foster home around Seoul this Sunday. But Sungwoon was too excited he wanted to decorate the baby’s room first. Actually, they haven’t decided yet which baby they wanted to take; a boy or a girl. But that didn’t matter though they would love to have anything or both if they could. So, Sungwoon had bought unisex clothes. He chose a soft colour. Sungwoon touched the fabric; he kept eyeing this bunny onesie. The thought of having a cute chubby baby wearing this cute onesie was enough to make Sungwoon’s eyes watered. It felt so unreal he needed to remind himself that it would no longer only a dream for him. There would be a baby in their house. It would be so perfect and Sungwoon wanted to cry just by thinking about it.

 

 

They decorated the baby’s room on Saturday morning. Daniel was ready with paints and two rolls of Spiderman wallpaper. Sungwoon pouted at that; complaining what if the baby was a girl and didn’t like Spiderman. Daniel argued back that everyone loved Spiderman so it wasn’t a big deal. Sungwoon chuckled and let Daniel had that because Sungwoon already picked the colour for the wall.

 

Saturday was spent wonderful. Sungwoon was not sure if Daniel did the correct way of brushing the paints but who cared anyway they were happy coloring the room. Daniel helped Sungwoon to stick those star ornaments on the ceiling. They would glow in the dark; showing different kind of colours. Beside a single bed, there was also a baby’s crib and one wardrobe. Sungwoon already kept the baby’s clothes inside safely. It was around seven at night when they finished with all the work. Daniel lied down on the floor; blue and green paints were spotted on his face. He looked so silly but Sungwoon loved him so much. So, Sungwoon leaned closer and wrapped his arm around Daniel’s waist. Lifting his head a little to kiss the tip of Daniel’s nose.

 

“Thank you, my husband.”

 

 

***

 

They have been doing research for couple of weeks and they found some a good foster homes around Seoul. Sungwoon thought it would be better if they adopted a baby; maybe around one or one and a half year old. A baby would be easier to adapt with their surrounding. The babies might don’t even remember their biological parents so it would be easy for Sungwoon and Daniel to introduce themselves to their babies later.

 

Sungwoon had been nervous since morning. Daniel had to calm him several times. Sungwoon kept mentioning what if they didn’t find Sungwoon good enough for the baby. It was ridiculous, Daniel thought. Even stranger could know how good Sungwoon was in taking care of the babies. He hugged Sungwoon; rubbing softly on his back, calming his nerves.

 

“Everything will be alright. You’ll be a good dad.”

 

And Sungwoon wanted to cry because Daniel was so good at sweet talking. He burried his face on Daniel’s neck; one palm on top Daniel’s chest, right on his heart belonged. Daniel’s steady heartbeats successfully made Sungwoon’s nervousness started to fade away.

 

 

The foster home was located in suburb of the city of Seoul. It was rather far from the downtown. Sungwoon closed his eyes for a moment. Clasping both of his palms. Sungwoon stopped going to the church long ago but it didn’t mean he forgot how to pray. He prayed today. Praying for everything to go well as he planned. When he opened his eyes, he could feel Daniel took his hand; kissing every single Sungwoon’s digit. A warm smile adorned his handsome face.

 

“I love you.”

 

For countless times, Sungwoon felt his chest might burst in any seconds. The feeling was just too much. At time like this, Sungwoon believed that whatever happened, Daniel would always be there for him; protecting and loving him no matter what.

 

 

Sungwoon thought they got to see the babies for real but it turned out that they provided the photos instead. The lady in charge said that they could meet the babies when the documents were approved. There were some documents they needed to fill. Mostly about the condition of expectant foster parents. The document would show if the parents were capable enough to support the life of the children they would adopt.

 

“Are there only you two?” The lady asked in curiosity. “Where is the mother?” she added.

 

There was pregnant silence. Sungwoon stopped himself from writing on the form in front of him. His hand trembled. He grabbed the pen tightly so it wouldn’t fall from his grasp. Daniel was about to say something when Sungwoon decided to speak up.

 

“There is no mother. Only father. Two fathers.”

 

The talk about this was brought up by Daniel couple days ago. He suggested to keep their relationship status hidden because Daniel knew that it would be hard to get approval for gay couple. Daniel suggested for Sungwoon to fill the form under his name only. But Sungwoon refused that. He didn’t want to lie. His future children had to know that instead of having mother, they would have two fathers. Sungwoon didn’t want to raise his children under pretense.

 

 

The door was slammed pretty hard. He was out of breath. His head was spinning like mad. Sungwoon tried so hard to restrain himself from screaming. He couldn’t hold back his tears. Daniel went inside the car and leaned across to hug Sungwoon. He hugged him so tight. Letting Sungwoon to let out all of his tears and anger. Sungwoon hit Daniel’s chest several times.

 

“I fucking hate them!”

 

Daniel let Sungwoon hit him if it would ease his heartbreak. Not only Sungwoon was being hurt but also Daniel. The latter kept holding himself for lashing out right now and then. He was really this close to break everyone’s throat. The disgusted words those people have thrown at them. Daniel could still remember clearly what kind of words the lady spat when they left the office.

 

After knowing Sungwoon’s marriage status, the lady in charge had rejected them in instant. Even without hearing Sungwoon’s explanation and plea. Daniel went mad when Sungwoon almost kneeled down in front if the lady just to beg her for letting them to adopt one of the babies. Daniel’s pride was hurt. He didn’t want people to look down on them like that to the point that Sungwoon had to kneel down. Daniel grabbed Sungwoon’s waist and brought him into his embrace. The lady was screaming; notifying the guards to send them away.

 

Daniel drove the car in silence. He never thought it would turn out to be like this. He should have known better that it would lead to more trouble. Looking at Sungwoon’s figure beside him, he was asleep now. But, Daniel could see the streak of tears staining Sungwoon’s cheeks. His husband looked so vulnerable and Daniel couldn’t help himself to not blame himself. Once again, he failed for being a good husband. He failed protecting Sungwoon from the heartbreaks.

 

***

 

The aftermath was worse than Daniel thought. Sungwoon refused to eat and chose to lock himself up in the baby’s room. It has been two days since then. Daniel took day off from his office. He wouldn’t let Sungwoon alone in this kind of state. He tried to talk to his husband. Trying to reach out to him but Sungwoon kept giving him silent treatment. It was hard indeed but Daniel realized that Sungwoon couldn’t be like this forever. They needed to talk and decide what they would do after this. This was almost impossible for Daniel to take Sungwoon to other foster home. He didn’t want to risk themselves to get another heartbreaks.

 

“Sungwoon- _ah_ , you need to eat. You will get sick.”

 

“Please,”

 

If he didn’t get any response, Daniel was ready to break down the door. There was a limit for everything and Daniel thought two days were enough.

 

A click sound was heard. The door slightly opened. Daniel sighed in relief when he saw Sungwoon stood there behind the door. The thick eye bags were visible and it made Daniel’s heart ached. Sungwoon looked like a mess. His eyes were puff and red. Daniel leaned forward and took Sungwoon into his embrace. The tears started to fall again; adorning Sungwoon’s perfect face. Whispering sweet nothings; Daniel hugged that tiny body tightly. A surge of regret washed over Daniel. For the nth times, he regretted how he handled this matter carelessly. And now, Sungwoon was the one who hurted the most. Daniel couldn’t forgive himself.

 

“Everything will be alright. It will be.”

 

 

Later that night, both of them decided to talk about this matter. Lying down on their baby’s bed; Sungwoon was clutching Daniel’s shirt tightly. Sungwoon tried so hard to not break down again because he knew with him being like this it would hurt Daniel in the process.

 

“Are we so sinful?”

 

A soft whisper came out of Sungwoon’s pretty lips. His voice sounded trembled.

 

“Are we, Daniel?”

 

With one gentle brush over Sungwoon’s mop of hair, Daniel spoke softly, “People are all sinful.”

 

“I pray everyday. I pray to God everyday. But why He keep punishing me? us? Why, Niel- _ah_?”

 

Daniel’s heart was torn hearing Sungwoon’s confession. It has been hard from the start but to say it blatanly like this didn’t make it any less hurtful. Everyday, Daniel also prayed. There wasn’t a day pass without him being guilty and asking for forgiveness. There wasn’t a day pass without him feeling remorse. If this was the punishment from God, this was too much. Daniel was afraid someday they would actually break apart. But then again, Daniel wouldn’t stop to pray.

 

 

***

 

 

Everything was not alright; that was what happened. A week after the incident, Sungwoon brought the news that Jisung knew someone who could help them to get a baby. An old foster home in Jeju. Sungwoon insisted that they had to go there. But, Daniel refused that. Saying that they were not ready for this. He couldn’t risk to get rejected again. It wouldn't be good for Sungwoon. Looking back at how broken he was last week after the first rejection. Daniel couldn’t think of what would happen if it happened again.

 

“You don’t want to?”

 

There was a sadness in Sungwoon’s eyes while he was looking back at Daniel. A disappointment was clearly visible on Sungwoon’s crestfallen face. He felt betrayed.

 

“You don’t want this from the start, do you?”

 

Sungwoon’s voice started to crack. He glared at Daniel. Never thought that his own husband was the one who would oppose this idea.  _So, Daniel was lying all along?_  He just pretended to want the baby. Sungwoon was in the verge of throwing a fit.

 

“We are not ready. Have you forgot what happened last week? I don’t want you to get hurt again.” Sungwoon snorted and shook his head. So, now Daniel thought Sungwoon was just a fragile body with a vulnerable mind. He felt insulted.

 

“Just say you don’t want it! From the beginning it was just me! It was me who came up with this idea that you probably never thought about it!”

 

“I do want to have a baby, Sungwoon. But we need to think about this furthermore. It’s not as simple as it is. You have to understand.” Daniel tried to calm himself and spoke carefully because right now Sungwoon looked like he was ready to start a war. “So now I’m only a fool for you who understands nothing?! All we have to do is fly to Jeju and take that baby home for God’s sake!”

 

Sungwoon headed to the front door. He has had enough of this shit already. If it needed, he would go to Jeju alone. Daniel was quick enough to grab Sungwoon’s arm. “Where are you going?”

 

The older shook himself; trying to break free from Daniel’s grasp. “I’m going there alone.”

 

“Don’t be stupid!”

 

In three years of their marriage, this was the first time Daniel raised a voice at Sungwoon and called him with bad name for worse. Daniel regretted right away; looking at how hurt Sungwoon looked. Sungwoon was really testing his patience right now that was why Daniel had gone mad. The sound of hard slap was echoing through the house. Sungwoon had slapped Daniel on his left cheek. Sungwoon’s hand was trembled. He did it unconsciously. One lone single tear streamed down from his beautiful orbs. Daniel was too stunned to react it gave Sungwoon opportunity to pull away from Daniel.

 

Sungwoon headed to the front door. His mind was chaotic. He couldn’t think straight right now. All he wanted to do is to get out of this house because it was suffocating and Sungwoon might die from it. Everything was falling apart. It never crossed his mind that everything would turn out to be like this. Nothing was right and Sungwoon hated  himself for that. And he hated Daniel. He mad at how Daniel couldn't understand that what he wanted was only happiness. 

 

When Daniel came back from his shock, he realized that Sungwoon was nowhere in sight. He immediately run to the front door.  _Sungwoon wouldn’t really go to Jeju, would he?_  It was almost midnight right now.

 

“Sungwoon!”

 

Daniel could see Sungwoon’s walked ahead of him. The latter looked like a deer caught in headlights. Sungwoon started to run from Daniel. He run in bare feet and he could feel it stung when he accidentally step on the gravel. Without much care about it, Sungwoon kept running. He didn’t even know why he run away from his own husband. Sungwoon has gone crazy and he couldn’t stop himself. His mind was blank. All he could think of was running. Even when he got into intersection, Sungwoon ran across the main road without care in the world. That was when a speedy car appeared from the opposite of the road. The screeching was loud enough for the passerby to divert their attention to the scene. Sungwoon was shocked and didn’t have time to react. He fell down on his knees in the middle of the main road.

 

“Sungwoon!”

 

Daniel watched in horror how the car stopped right in front of Sungwoon. His heart stopped beating for a second. Daniel fell down. The shock was real. It felt like someone had ripped out his heart in one second. He couldn't move. Watching the scene in front of his eyes, Daniel's body was shaking. 

 

“Sir, are you alright?!”

 

The driver came out from his car and approached Sungwoon who was still unmoving. Sungwoon’s heart was beating so fast; too fast that it hurt so much. It felt like his chest would burst out. It was so close. He could have died. His whole body trembled then it was pitch black. He lost consciousness.

 

 

***

 

It has been three hours since Sungwoon got a treatment. Daniel brought him to the nearest hospital with the help of the driver. He was safe. No vital damage. The doctor said Sungwoon was in shock and turned out that he was put under a lot of stress so it would need few days for him to recover and can go back home. Daniel sat on the chair outside Sungwoon’s treatment room. Thinking back all the things that happened today, Daniel shuddered. He almost lost his husband. It was so close losing the love of his life. Daniel would go crazy. He would absolutely go nuts if something bad happened to Sungwoon and he would never ever forgive himself for that.

 

The door was opened; showing Sungwoon’s parents and his sister. Daniel didn’t have a choice to call them anyway. Although their relationship was not in a good term, Sungwoon’s parents still needed to know. They came from Ilsan right away. Daniel approached his parent in law and bowed down. It has been quite awhile they didn’t meet and unfortunately they had to meet in this kind of situation. Daniel didn’t have the time to greet properly because Sungwoon’s father had just slapped him right on the face.

 

“I trusted my son to you. I should have known this is all just a mistake!”

 

Soonyeol, Sungwoon’s sister, rubbed his father’s arm lightly. Calming the elder down. However this was not something avoidable anyway. Daniel was indeed the one at fault. He failed in protecting Sungwoon. He deserved to get that slap. Soonyeol took his father away from there immediately because she was afraid that Daniel would get another hit.

 

It was Sungwoon’s mom that gave Daniel squeeze on his hand. “Sungwoon’s father is just worried. He never meant to hurt you or Sungwoon.” Her voice was soft that it made Daniel’s eyes got misty. Sungwoon’s mother was a warm-hearted woman after all. “It was all my fault. I’m really sorry, Mother.”

She smiled a little and patted Daniel’s head. Even there was disagreement between Daniel and Sungwoon’s family, Daniel was still their son in law. She only wanted Sungwoon to be happy. If Sungwoon’s happiness was with Daniel then she would let it be.

 

 

Looking at Sungwoon’s serene face while sleeping, it made Daniel’s heart fluttered. It felt like it has been awhile he couldn’t see something like that from Sungwoon. For the past few weeks, everything was like a roller coaster. Daniel’s heart was ached. All the things that happened lately, he never thought it would be this hard. He took Sungwoon’s hand and kissed it gently. Brushing his hair and caressing his cheek. He intertwined their fingers. “I cannot lose you.” He whispered softly. Pouring out his emotion through words. Daniel couldn’t ever imagine how his life would be without Sungwoon by his side. He just couldn’t. So, he cried; and cried for more.

 

 

 

***

 

 

Sungwoon looked around the room. There was an empty feeling he felt inside. This room should be filled with laughter; just like what he wanted it to be. He swung the baby’s crib gently. Letting it move back and forth as if calming the baby inside. Sungwoon smiled sadly. It still felt hurt how everything was so close yet so far away. It was this close for him to get his happiness. But then again, what was the real definition of happiness anyway?

 

Sungwoon kept thinking that his life was incomplete and unhappy. He forgot that there were thousands or even millions people who were not lucky enough to live their life like Sungwoon did. He forgot to always be grateful. Sungwoon always had the mindset of being the most miserable man on earth whereas God still gave him a reason to live everyday.

 

Greediness has eaten him alive. And it was true that human were never satisfied. They always asked for more.

 

Sungwoon started to realize where he went wrong. With his selfishness, he already hurt not only himself but also Daniel. The one who was always beside him through thick and thin. The one who had made a vow to protect him. The one who always thought selflessly. The one who always put Sungwoon before himself.

 

Sungwoon put a light blue envelope on the bed. A letter for his angels. He caressed it once before heading to the door. Many memories were created inside this room. Even it was just for a moment; it were still memories that he would like to keep inside his heart. He didn’t know when he would be able to move on completely. But he would try. He had to try so his heart would heal. With one last single glance around the room, Sungwoon closed the door and locked it.

 

Daniel stood there; patiently waiting for Sungwoon to emerge from the room. Once Sungwoon appeared, he took him into his arms. And Sungwoon finally felt warm again. Though there was a tiny part of his heart that still felt cold and empty but Daniel made Sungwoon strong. He knew that he would go through this as long as they were together.

 

Sungwoon gave the key to Daniel. The latter would keep it far from Sungwoon’s reach. It was for the best. They would unlock it together once they were ready. It might take some times; it could be months, or years. No one would know the exact time. They would let God do the rest.

 

 

***

 

_Dear my angels,_

_until we finally meet._

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you everyone for reading this. I hope the meaning behind this story itself can be delivered well. Sorry for any grammatical errors. 
> 
> Till we meet again. :)


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